I received this note today, and was so compelled to answer immediately that I’m dropping my other editorial duties to do so.

I have contacted other public figures but they are males so maybe you can help me. I hope this is your right page. It’s actually really simple. I am only 29 years old but I want to start finding a mate. I know I am young but at the same time I want to find love and a father figure for my kids just like my step father. I am a mother of two young kids; 2 years old and 8 months, and Im having trouble figuring out what is what. I wanted to know how to stop repeating what is not being successful for me. There are guys that I really really want to get with but either seem to play games or makes it really hard to figure out what the heck is really going on with their feelings about me. I am not a girl who is afraid or shy to make a move-I will grab a tush in a heart beat, but at times I feel like I am putting myself to far out there by not receiving the same attention and will end up searching forever to find one that is right for me or after a while just settle. I try to get to know a guy, but it is hard to find a foundation with them. A lot of guys I come in contact with now a days have girlfriends and expect me to give them some type of sign to break up with their girlfriend and that I do not respect- I am not a homewrecker. Others really don’t have anything going on and just are looking for some daily pussy that they can split expenses with-fuck that. So in conclusion I wanted to know if maybe I should lower my standards to get a bigger selection or if there are places to meet intelligent successful, go-getter men or maybe even raise my standards or keep the ones that I have and just wait it out- and maybe my kids not have a male role model in their life. ????????A more professional opinion would be nice. Thank you.

Dear writer, I have to be honest. The fact that you have two very young children before making the decision to find a mate and father figure to your kids was done so out of order it makes my heart break. I’m going to have to be brutally honest here, and before I go on, you should know that I was a single unmarried mother once, and know how hard it is and how lonely it can be.

Your desire for a partner is natural, and everyone deserves love. But you need to understand that a lot of men who look at your situation might think that you having such young children with no father in the picture (you mentioned your kids need a father figure) creates a few suppositions for men:

• A guy might look at your situation, 29, with two kids, and wonder why the father(s) of these children didn’t feel it necessary to stick around and raise the kids with you as a partner. He’ll wonder, “Why didn’t the guy marry the mother of his kid(s)?”
• He might look at your situation, and make an assumption that you make poor decisions about your life, and wonder if you are worth the gamble.
• One of your children is very young. They might assume there is still some unresolved romantic issues going on with the father, and want to steer clear of the drama.
• The final reason is biological. Some men want to build families with the children they created.

For a man to think these things doesn’t make him a jerk. We all make decisions in life and have to live with the consequences. You having children will probably make things a lot more difficult, but not impossible. But I think before you look into finding a relationship, you need to focus on your kids. Dating can’t be a priority when you have two babies who need their mommy.

Second, I think you need some guidance on how to pick the right kind of man, so you don’t repeat this cycle. I’m afraid many black women have not been taught properly about how to choose a good mate, and get horrible dating advice. So I’m going to have to tell you that, “Grabbing a tush in a heart beat” is not an effective flirtation strategy for a anyone, especially a young mother.

My recommendation is for you to focus on fluffing the nest for your two kids, and displaying competency is managing your life. Doing so makes you less dependent, and in turn, less desperate-looking to potential suitors.

And please, always protect your kids. Be mindful of who you bring around them.

I say this will love, and wish you and your children the best.