Sometimes I get notes from non-black men who wring their hands over the prospect of dating a black woman, and often put up these roadblocks for why they can’t. Often it’s because of fear their parents won’t approve, how their community will receive them, or how it might affect their career.

My answer to them is always the same. If you’re that scared, why are you here? No one is forcing you to date anyone you’re too scared to.

But if there’s still an attraction, what often happens is that they will date black women in secret and have a high preoccupation with who sees them, who’s looking, and who might be judging.

There are three categories I put these types of men in.

The Weak Man: The weak man is often the offspring of bigoted parents and family. His parents may have told him that he better not EVER bring home a black woman. But often the conversation won’t come up until the man brings the girl home–then all hell breaks. The weak man will cave to the whims of his parents and either break up with his girlfriend of continue to date her in secret with no plan of taking the relationship further than a casual fling until a more suitable and acceptable prospect comes along.

The Collectivist: This man is often a minority himself. He comes from a community that minimizes the individual and elevates the idea of the collective. A collectivist will know from birth who will be an acceptable mate, but he’ll play around with other races of women (often for years stringing her along) only in the end to “do his duty” and marry within the collective.

The Social Climber: This man is constantly preoccupied with who he associates with and how they may elevate him in society and career. He has a rather narcissistic view of romantic relationships, and feels his partner should be a reflection of his place in society.