Relationships

Tips for Surviving Hobosexual Season

As if dating wasn’t hard enough, between vetting partners to make sure they aren’t a narcissistic sociopath, or broke, or infected, or just plain dumb, you also have to do your due diligence to make sure your potential new bae is not using you for a place to live.

 

Hobosexuals, a relatively recent term in the dating vernacular coined by Nakita Nicci, describes men who date you so they have a warm bed to sleep in (i.e., yours), not necessarily out of genuine romantic interest. Rather than your intellectual capabilities, or your beauty, or your personality, they are attracted to your living arrangements, and bonus points if you have a car too. As yesterday was the first day of fall and the temperatures will be inching ever closer to the negatives (depending on where you live), the hobosexuals will be out in full force, much like a bear looking for a spot to hibernate for the winter. Except this bear didn’t prepare and basically wants to be like Yogi and take your pic-a-nic basket without having earned it.

 

Some signs you might be getting a trap set by a hobosexual include:

 

  • No fixed address

    I’m struggling to think of a reason for why a man of quality would answer “here and there” when asked where he lives. If he never has you over at his place, or evades questions about his living arrangements, or admits he’s bouncing around different motels or friends’ couches, do yourself a favor and go no further. A man who is in such dire straits that he has no place of his own to call home has no business being in a relationship and needs to sort himself out first.

  • Asking “who do you live with” mere seconds after meeting

    Other variations of this question include asking lots of questions about your employment, past and present, not so much to get to know you, but to assess your earning potential and gauge your living arrangements.

  • He never leaves your place

    If he hangs out at your place all the time, leaves his personal belongings around without actually asking…he’s basically moved in. Know the eviction rights in your state (because sometimes they side with the squatter unfortunately). But, better yet, make sure you’re comfortable with your vetting process before allowing any potential suitors to see your living arrangements.

  • If romance starts brewing around drop in temperatures, or at tax time

    Like I said, fall started yesterday, and much like I kept hearing back when Game of Thrones was still airing, “winter is coming”. A hobosexual looking for a warm, free place to live for the winter may seem like the perfect guy, until you realize it’s only a façade to get you to like him enough to not kick him out. Similarly, when tax returns start coming back, hobosexuals may come out of the woodwork looking for whatever is being offered.

  • Rapidly sequential relationship history…

    In order to keep the stream of available couches and beds flowing, a hobosexual may have a long, long list of former partners who put up with him for a little while, then got fed up with him and kicked him out. Having a few women (with abysmal self esteem) in his rotation secures him somewhere to sleep until she wises up. A dating history of chronic in one relationship one minute, and in another one the next, suggests a few glaring character flaws, in addition to the hobosexual problem.

  • But a really spotty work history

    A telltale sign of a hobosexual relationship is one where the man drives the woman’s car, drops her off at work, and takes her car and does who-knows-what with it, as he is typically not gainfully employed. If he’s got a bunch of odd-jobs, or brands himself as an “entrepreneur”, chances are he’s basically homeless and once again, needs to sort that out before he pursues a relationship.

  • They resort to name-calling if you reject them on the basis of their homelessness

    Case in point, the story of a woman who went out on a date with a dude, and when she called him out for not being stable and rightfully kicked him to the curb (ie: didn’t have a fixed address, he told her women were too “gimme gimme”, failing to see irony.

(Source: Daily Mail)

  • Text message out of nowhere

    Maybe you were previously involved with someone and broke it off for some other reason. But lo and behold, you have a text message from your former suitor asking how you are, what you’re up to, and other vapid questions that merely serve as an invitation to your sacred domicile under the guise of “catching up”. Leave the message on read, and block and delete with reckless abandon.

  • Needs a little help “getting on his feet”

    Maybe this guy was in between jobs (as is frequently the case), and was a bit down on his luck. Needing help getting on his feet is not a responsibility that you are obligated to fulfill, and even if you choose to, you can help him in other ways that don’t include rent-free, unrestricted access to your abode. Again, men facing instability, whether financial, occupational, or otherwise, should seriously reprioritize their own situation before dragging you into it too.

  • Balks at the suggestion of making things official

    If you unwittingly get trapped by a hobosexual, a good way to suss it out is to draw up a contract (there are a few available online), and get something in writing stating the terms of the arrangement. If/when he disagrees, be it with smooth talking and nice words, or accusing you of not trusting him, or threats, take that as your sign to exit and terminate that relationship.

 

These are just some of the signs a man may just be using you to be his next place of residence. All relationships have some give and take, but beware the dudes who take so much it’s basically robbery, while adding no value to your life. And remember; better to be single and happy than miserable in a relationship. Are there any other signs of a hobosexual? Have you dealt with one yourself? Do share in the comments below.

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