You don’t need me to tell you that relationships these days are hard work. Even if you get past the preliminary vetting stages to make sure he is not infected, crazy, or intellectually challenged, you may find yourself lacking in the relationship department. Just remember, never apologize for having high standards!

But there are some really straight up all-the-way stupid relationship advice I’ve seen on Al Gore’s Internet, so I wanted to talk about why adhering to any of these Pick Me Relationship tips is a doomed fool’s errand.

• Sitting on the floor in his unfurnished apartment eating KFC is a date!

  2019 has been the year of the great Coffee Date Debate, and the jury is still out on whether that is an acceptable method of courting a woman. I have said my piece about just saying no to struggle dates, and I hold true to that. If a man can’t make the effort to take you out somewhere nice, even on a budget, that does not bode well for the future.

  Plus, I don’t even like coffee.

• Splitting the date is par for the course!

  If you split the date, chances are you’ll split the rent, the light bill, the cable bill, and what have you in the future. Mind you, when you split your perineum from stem to stern after pushing his big ass baby out of you, that cost is all yours. The gender pay gap is still alive and well. A man paying for dates, and for bills down the line, is the least he can do. Think about that when you get asked to go half and half at TGI Friday’s.

• If you [insert unreasonable compromise here] he will one day see you for the loyal wifey (not wife) that you could be!

  Doing stupid things like accepting babies fathered outside the relationship, playing carpenter, electrician and plumber in building a man up, or cosigning large financial arrangements in your name (unmarried) is not a good way to start a relationship.

• Water seeks its own level, so be with someone with whom you are equally yoked!

  This is not just pick me, but also pretty defeatist. One way women can level up in life is to use their feminine wiles to secure a position (© KsC) with a man of a higher class. That is the very nature of all these hypergamy conversations, and what Kendall talks about when she lectures on the patriarchal bargain. Why be in a puddle when you be a luxurious clear blue ocean, right?

• It is my responsibility to defend my black kings!

  No matter how much you play defense in comment sections and television shows, this will not get you picked. In fact, it may lead to resentment since your constant defense of him, no matter what, makes it too easy. Men like a challenge, after all. Perpetually jumping to his defense won’t make one see how good a woman you are. Besides, it’s not like they’re doing the same for you, so stop being so loud. It makes us all look bad.

These are only a handful of trash pick-me relationship tips out there. If dating, relating, and mating with men is something you’re interested in, you can skip these tips and always put character over color. What pick-me relationship tips have you heard? Share in the comments!