Swirling Mid-life

No, it is not a mid-life crisis.  We all go through various changes in our lives at different points.  For those of us that pursue an interracial relationship later in life, however, often get dismissed as “having our midlife crisis”.  Really, though, we are just at a point where our interests may be changing some or where we are now free to pursue longtime interests.

I am a white male in my late 40’s, and I am in a relationship with a black woman whom I will call “Bee”.  Times have changed quite a bit in the last 20 years.  Even though many men may have been interested in an interracial relationship decades ago, it was a strong couple indeed who were willing to buck the social reaction that they would get.  Many did, but many more did not.  Would I have been interested in Bee 20 years ago?  I don’t know.  If I had been would I have been willing to pursue a possible relationship?  Probably not.  The end result is that I think you now find white me who may have been married to a white woman that now may find themselves dating and/or marrying a black woman.  It isn’t that he is now seeking to fulfill some fantasy or that she is “second choice” or anything like that.  He is very likely just interested in a relationship with a woman he finds desirable.  A woman who has qualities he finds desirable.  Interracial relationships still today have some extra hurdles thanks to the close-mindedness of some segments of society.  At the end of the day, it isn’t about a white man and a black, yellow, purple, or rainbow colored woman. It is about a man and a woman.  Period.

Now one interesting element of a relationship later in life is that one or the other – and likely both – have kids.  While some may speculate that it is a “safe” feel for men because they may have already had kids, I would submit that just the opposite is true.  The man is not just taking on the responsibilities of a relationship with the woman – he is taking on two or more relationships.  He will have some type of relationship with her kids, as she will have some relationship with his.  In fact, they are not going to just be “his” or “her” kids and they are going to be “ours”.  Not every man or woman is looking for that when they seek a relationship, and it needs to be carefully thought out.  It is unfair to even enter a relationship if that is going to be an issue.  A relationship that ends may be painful for a while for the couple, but it can be devastating to kids who latched on to a new adult or parent figure and now suffer that loss if they go.  The beautiful part of this is that that you get more kids that you get to have an impact on.  Love.  Be With.  Advise.  If you enter the relationship viewing the kids as an obstacle, then they will be just that.  If you embrace the beauty of even more family and all that goes with it…. It will be a blessing beyond belief.

I gave a lot of thought to this whole subject when I started to go out with Bee.  My two kids are 16 or older as are her oldest two.  The nature of our relationships with them are now in that phase where they are young adults.  However, Bee’s youngest was 6.  Did I really want to go through all those stages of childhood again?  Did I really want to “Start over” again as a parent at that phase?  This was not to be taken lightly.  I gave it a LOT of thought.  I had many conversations with her on this subject.  I realized what a blessing it was that I would get to be a parent figure to him.  Taking on new kids just because you take on a new man or woman is not for everyone, and that is OK.  For some of us, it is just another part of the incredible ride.