Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
By
Toni
First of all, HEEEEY!
I have been gone for awhile, I know. I wish I could write more of these articles, but I have been super busy. Some of you know why that is, but if you don’t, I am making preparations to travel abroad next year. I expect to touch down in Spain in late spring and I am both excited and terrified and I can’t wait to start this new chapter of my life.
One thing planning for this major change has taught me is that as a black woman, at least ONE PERSON is going to feel a way about your “big plans”. They may try and discourage you, bring up plans they have for you at home, or act like the world is going to fall apart if you aren’t there to hold it in place.
Shake it off, ladies. It’s just emotional manipulation.
Recently, the BBW Youtube channel was, er, graced by the comment of a supposedly agreeable black man who seemed to admit that black male irresponsibility plays a HUGE role in OOW children. This black man did not say he would dedicate his time and energy to encouraging black men to wear condoms. Nor would he encourage black women he knew to always practice safe sex.
Instead, this man pretty much told Chris and black women everywhere that they did not have his permission to date inter-racially. He believes that all the problems “people of color” face must be solved first.
He then goes on to claim that black women who willingly marry white men must secretly hate themselves and be fans of white supremacy.
…..
But then, it isn’t.
Rather than see black women loved and taken care of by ANY man, regardless of his racial or ethnic background, these men would rather tell black women to waste away in the corner alone or with their OOW children in tow. These men tell black women it is THEIR responsibility to fix the world, fight white racism, and then to wait around until black men are “good and ready” to marry them.
Only when black women have completed the labors of Hercules can they hope for that happy ending. Notice I said “hope”. Even after all that, there is nothing definite.
Do you know why black people love to throw up racism whenever a black woman starts looking to date and marry interracially? Because bigotry and ignorance is as old as mankind and isn’t going anywhere.
It’s like they are singing the “Scarborough Fair” song to black women ,and black women are seriously trying to complete these IMPOSSIBLE tasks. All in order to get some kind of permission/validation to be remotely happy. How sad IS that?
So whenever a black woman decides she’s going to look elsewhere rather than continue to wait around for black men to respect and value black women, they throw up this red herring:
“Black women and black men need to work together to fight racism!”
Both black men and women are vulnerable to and experience white racism, but black men enjoy the male privilege that allows them to feel entitled to set the narrative as to what black women have the right to worry about. Or what they can and cannot do with their bodies.
Most famously, black MALE privilege allows these individuals to sanction black women who “break the rules”.
Did you ever notice that black women who marry white men are often treated as losing their blackness while white women are often treated as gaining blackness by marrying or dating black men? Sometimes neither thing is necessary for these women to be given “passes” by black men.
Even if the behavior of non-black women is overtly racist, these women are defended by black men in ways that black women who simply choose a black partner are not.
Because to give black women anything remotely resembling respect in making her own life choices regarding her body and womb is to imply that black women do not need permission to be independent, functioning members of society. And that is a cardinal sin!
In the so-called black community, “strong independent black woman” is a code name for a tireless work horse forced to do everything herself because only “weak” women ask for help.
A TRULY independent woman is a free-thinking individual who does not walk around seeking permission to live the life that best suits her.
She does not feel emotionally beholden to mentally abusive and manipulative individuals who will say and do whatever they can to “keep her in check”.
How can a black woman be strong and independent when she is constantly neglected and ridiculed should she seek to establish healthy boundaries? How can you claim to love black women and want what’s best for them when you hurl abusive language at them, threaten them, stalk them, and try and play all sorts of tired mind games with them?
Respecting someone’s independence means RESPECTING THAT YOU HAVE NO GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO THEIR BODIES, THEIR WOMBS, AND YOU DON’T GET TO DICTATE WHO THESE WOMEN INVITE INTO THEIR LIVES AND BEDROOMS!
Many men walk around feeling entitled to women. All women. Even women they don’t know and have never met.
When you are dealing with individuals who have this kind of an entitlement problem, you need to recognize that these people have massive egos and get off on the feeling of control they tell themselves they have over helpless and disenfranchised individuals.
As a group, black men enjoy male privilege. It is that privilege which shields them in ways that it does NOT shield black women.
Notice black men walk around with the expectation that they can have all the out-of-wedlock children in the world and still get married? A black woman could have ONE child OOW and be called “damaged goods”.
THAT is male privilege at work!
When black people work their hardest to bring up racism whenever you say you are going to date whoever you want, it’s because they want to inform you that you will NEVER be free to date whoever you want. For the black male trolls who haunt these spaces and any coversation about BW IRR, they are telling you in their way that they REFUSE allow any other man to have you. You are property. And furniture isn’t given permission to move…furniture DOESN’T MOVE.
Black women, if you love yourself, you will stop sitting around waiting for permission from black men and even other black women to live your life to the fullest.
YOU WILL NOT GET IT.
These people have a vested interest in the continued deterioration of the self-esteem and free will of black women. They have a vested interest in black women’s money, in access to their wombs (sans moral obligation to care for that woman or any resulting offspring), and in having black women around to blame, batter, and control.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE THESE PEOPLE.
So don’t get caught up in the okeydoke of trying to fix damaged individuals. They will stay broke and break you in the process.
Don’t waste your life waiting for something that’s never going to happen. Sexism isn’t going away any time in the near future and neither is racism. That doesn’t mean you have to stay paralyzed and unhappy!
Walk away from men who claim you need some kind of psychological permission slip signed by them in order to have a happy life.
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
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