Everything your mother didn't have time to tell you because she was too busy struggling!
Recently, I had breakfast with one of my dearest college friends who, because of work and other life responsibilities, I don’t often spend as much time with as I’d like.
“Mo, I’m thinking of getting my tubes tied.” I looked up to find Star pouring syrup on her recently arrived waffles with fresh strawberries and cream. The comment had to come from her, as there was no one at the restaurant’s table besides the two of us, but her nonchalant demeanor seemed to directly counter the statement I just heard.
The fork went limp in my hand. This was quite a way to start breakfast.
“What do you think?” she asked. But, by the dazed and confused expression on my face, she already knew.
“I think it’s pretty drastic. That’s major surgery,” I finally mustered.
Upon further research, I realized that it didn’t have to be. While some still undergo general anesthesia to have their fallopian tubes seared to prevent an embryo from developing in their uterus, a growing number of gynecologists perform the cutting of a woman’s reproductive organs by inserting implants in an outpatient procedure, which lasts less than an hour. Thus, although tubal ligations are still considered a permanent method of birth control, they are no longer considered major surgery.
Still, I was having difficulty dealing with the fact that someone I care so deeply for was willing to rip apart her insides because her outside reality didn’t look so bright. More specifically, Star’s career was peaking, but her love life was not. Star also has a few health complications, which now prevent her from taking the pill, so she thought having her tubes tied was the most rational alternative.
“How about you just stop sleeping with men you don’t like?” I asked.
She looked at me like I was crazy. Mind you, I did not suggest she stop sleeping with men period; just learn to eliminate the ones who she did not get along with outside the bedroom.
Yet, as Star looked at me and I looked at her, we both knew the reality of being a single woman in the dating game – sex is, all too often, a prerequisite, not a reward.
Ladies, when did the rules change?
When we were in our teens and early 20s, we were told to wait for someone special. Now, it doesn’t seem to matter if he’s special or not, if he has a xy chromosome and is breathing, most of us are willing to make a play. We are encouraged to buy into the scarcity and/or poverty mentality that there isn’t enough, and instead of believing we can find the man who’s our perfect match, we just want a man. And, of course, I get statistics. I read them too. But, numbers don’t tell the full story.
For instance, even in the deepest economic recession, someone, somewhere, is prospering. Apply that philosophy to love, and you may be among those who thrive in this field as well.
But, instead of focusing on how we can be one of the ones who succeed in love and life, most of us allow the negative to overwhelm us. Then, driven by the fear of competition, such as vast amounts of single women and dwindling resources, or the shortage of available, heterosexual men, we give up too much of ourselves before most of us are ready to do so.
One way we do this is by having sex before we are truly ready. And, yes, I realize that we’re all adults, so biologically speaking, we don’t need permission from anybody to do “the do.” I’m talking about the check in the gut that lets us know that we may not be adequately prepared emotionally, mentally and spiritually to let someone physically enter our bodies.
Some of us will say we do it because it’s fun, we’re stressed, and/or sex is a great release. And, it’s true. Sex can be all of these things. There are also others of us, however, who’ll be the first to admit that we often do “the do” because we are keenly aware of the adage that if he’s not getting it from us, he’s going to get it from somewhere else.
Truthfully, he may. But, he also may be getting it from somewhere else and you, simultaneously. So, your giving it up before you are really ready to isn’t helping your intent of stopping him. However, it might prevent him from getting to know the real you, and not the one so obsessed by fear and lack, that you become “crazy chick” and go off on him when the relationship is not progressing in the way or as rapidly as you’d like.
Granted, there are a few of us who only want a good time. But, most of us want more.
If you are one of the ones who want more, beware of sacrificing your self-‐‑respect to get a piece of a man, because if you do, you will probably get just that – a piece of a man. Then, you will have to be weary of complaining and blame the male, though, truthfully, he never even claimed to be a man. You may also be forced to admit, after much pain and heartache, that you didn’t really take the time to see if you really wanted him; you merely wanted someone.
Case in point: a friend of mine recently had dinner with a single doctor who relocated to Atlanta. Noting the supposedly high proportion of single women to men, rumored to be around 20:1, but statistically reported as 2:1, she asked him about his dating life. Surprisingly, he shared that he wasn’t dating that much. He was, however, having a great deal of sex. “I don’t even have to ask a woman out,” he said. “Most come up to me. If we do go out, they pay for it or go Dutch before I pull out my wallet.”
Most of the women don’t expect a second, let alone, a third date. They offer themselves up for a good time and he readily accepts. What shocked him most, however, was the Atlanta strip clubs. “There are a lot more women in there than I expected,” he said. Instead of men having to go find women, the women go where the guys are. Even more alarming, for him, was that when the men didn’t pay quick enough attention, these women started paying to receive lap dances from the strippers to up the ante. In turn, they may have been successful with him and other men for that night, but nothing long-‐‑term. Interesting enough, this confirmed bachelor also shared that he wasn’t opposed to settling down. Unfortunately, he had yet to encounter a woman who inspired him to desire a more substantial connection.
Thankfully, not all women are like this. Even so, we cannot let the inmates run the asylum. I don’t care how slim the pickings may look. We have way more power in this dating game than we are giving ourselves credit for.
Consider, for example, how much men have done historically for women they treasure. Both Caesar and Mark Antony, for instance, sacrificed their power as heads of the Roman state (the reigning world power at that time) for Cleopatra’s attention and favor. In addition, there’s hardly a movie, myth or fable that does not contain some element of a man sacrificing his all to win the heart of a woman. Heck, are you aware that even the Bible records (in Genesis 6: 1 – 2) that we as women are so desirable that angels sacrificed their immortality to marry and have children with us?!
We are powerful, Ladies. Let’s own it. Stop letting the terms of dating in the 21st Century be driven by our fears of scarcity and lack. Take the time to really see yourself through the total lens and not the current state of dating. If you’re willing to slow down, and draw further into yourself, you may really understand all you have to offer to the world. Taking a sex-‐‑free sabbatical, for whatever duration you decide, may allow you to upgrade to a renewed, recharged, more loving, beautiful, and alluring you. In case you’re circling the field, but still find yourself on the fence, consider the following for being sex free:
When we have sex, we are physically allowing another being to penetrate our core. Unlike our heterosexual counterparts, whose sexual organ is external, ours is located inside of us. Hence, when we let someone within, we let that person enter the center of our being. We take in his physical, as well as spiritual, emotional and mental energy. If he’s not right in any way, it can affects us for hours, days, months, or even longer. We may feel slightly off – sad, agitated, and/or even angry and not know why. This is because we’ve let another human being deposit his energy and any other person’s energy he’s slept (or may simultaneously be sleeping) with inside of us. If we are not aware of this, we may blame ourselves for feeling crappy without an idea of how to fix it.
If you take the time to invest in yourself, you’ll be in a much better position to know what’s your “stuff” versus someone else’s. You’ll also have a better idea of consciously understanding what types of deposits a potential paramour is bringing to you and decide whether or not you want to receive them.
And, as you become more conscious of what energy may belong to you and what may belong to someone else, you’ll be able to focus in ways you choose, and not potentially have it dissipated by trying to sort through energy that doesn’t belong to you. This will enable you to have laser beam focus. Whereas a light bulb emanates light in a general way, a laser beam emits rays that are focused, direct and incredibly powerful. Imagine what you can accomplish with that type of dynamism!
If you had any extra-‐‑time, what would you like to accomplish? I mean an achievement that almost makes you giddy with excitement by simply thinking about it. Is it career related? Educationally-‐‑inspired? Or, does it bring out your daredevil qualities? Like skydiving, perhaps? Or maybe your aspiration is a personal goal, like running a marathon, finishing a triathlon or at least starting with a 5K walk/race?
Do you even know? If not, no worries. This is what a sex-‐‑free hiatus is for.
As women, we spend an enormous amount of time being caregivers for everyone else. And, while it’s certainly great to be there for others, it’s hard to consistently show up and meet someone else’s needs when we don’t even attend to our own. It’s very similar to the instructions flight attendants give before we take off on airplane flights. In the event of an emergency, the first thing we are encouraged to do is put on our own oxygen masks before we try and assist anyone else. This is because we can’t aid another before we help ourselves.
When I was a child, my dad bought me a book entitled How to Be Your Own Best Friend during one of our weekly father-‐‑daughter dates. I was around eleven at the time, so I had no idea what the concept, perfectly summed up in the title, meant. Admittedly, I also thought the title, and hence concept, sounded stupid as most adolescent girls, including myself, relish fitting in. Yet, each year I am reminded how invaluable it is to treat, encourage, and love myself as deeply and kindly as I would my own best friend.
Becoming your own best friend is perhaps one of the best ways to become a better you because it can allow you to put yourself and your needs first without feeling as if you are being selfish. You are also training others how to treat you. If you don’t take time to complete a goal and/or honor a personal desire or wish, others will feel that it’s okay for them to ignore things that are important to you as well. They won’t pay extra special attention to the things that matter to you, nor will they feel obliged to do so.
But, if you honor yourself by protecting, pursuing, and ultimately fulfilling those things that are special to you, then everyone else who enters your life already has a working blueprint for interacting with you.
Taking the concept one step further, without becoming a better you, it may become impossible to get the best life has to offer. You may amass many things and become materially very successful, but you may also be plagued with a deep emotional void and emptiness you’re not able to understand. This may result because you’ve done everything that “should” make you happy, but you haven’t done the work to really locate what brings you pure, unadulterated joy.
For example, there are several popular relationship-‐‑ improvement books, written by men, which tell women how men think. And, while it’s great to have as many weapons in your armor to succeed in matters of the heart, it’s at least equally important to know what it is that you want before you figure out how to think like a man or realize that he’s just not that into you. Because, guess what? After a little soul searching during this “hiatus for self” time, you may realize that you were never into him either.
Since adolescence, most, if not all of us, have been warned of the life altering risks of an unplanned pregnancy and harmful, sometimes fatal, results of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Hence, it’s a no-‐‑brainer that the only way to prevent herpes, gonorrhea, HIV, and the like is to abstain. Most of us are also very well educated that a second option is safer sex where we use condoms. Less known, however, are the rising reports over the last decade about the growing risk of cancer, especially cervical and oral, associated with sex, that even condoms cannot prevent.
The human papillomavirus or HPV is a sexually transmitted infection that both men and women can get. It is spread via skin-‐‑to-‐‑skin contact and not by bodily fluids. Hence, condom use cannot stop the spread of this disease.
According to a 2011 Centers for Disease Control (CDC) report, approximately 20 million Americans currently have HPV, with six million new infections being discovered each year.5 Additionally, nearly 80% of all sexually active women will contract HPV at some point in their lives. HPV can also lie dormant for many years, making it incredibly difficult, for some, to know who gave it to them. And, very often, men and women, alike, are unaware that they have it because not everyone who’s infected has symptoms. Routine pap smears, which check for changes in cells on the cervix, are used to detect the disease in women. Unfortunately, there are no current detection methods for men. In addition, an increasing amount of dentists are beginning to routinely screen patients from oral sexual encounters during dental checkups.
5 Centers for Disease Control (CDC). “Genital HPV Infection – Fact Sheet.” 2011.
When symptoms do exist, they can take the form of warts on the genital area or lesions, bumps and skin discoloration in the throat, tongue or other areas within the mouth.
Most of the time, thankfully, the disease disappears by itself (i.e.: without any medical treatment) within two years. But, in those instances when it doesn’t, HPV is the primary cause in all cases of cervical cancer for woman and now accounts for nearly 25% of all oral cancers.
Who would’ve thought that cancer would be the latest in a long string of health risks associated with sex? It’s absolutely incredible. So, as you weigh your options for each possible sexual liaison, ask yourself, “Are the risks worth it to have sex with this person right now?” “Is he/she worth my life and/or quality of living?”
Your answers to these questions may provide much needed insight into your feelings for your prospective partner and the long-‐‑term possibilities for the relationship. They may also shed light on where you are mentally and emotionally, which can be another reason to embark on a sex-‐‑free hiatus.
In addition to increased physical health, becoming sex free can significantly contribute to increased mental and emotional health. Mental health can be defined as one’s level of thinking, feeling and relating to others. A person suffering attacks to his/her mental health may experience depression, anxiety, and substance-‐‑abuse addiction, which may naturally affect her level of interaction with others. The quality of one’s emotional health, which includes moods and the way an individual reactions to situations, also has a significant impact on how one deals with others. For example, if a person has unresolved anger issues towards someone in her past, these issues may manifest unexpectedly, at the most inappropriate time, threatening a current or future relationship.
In truth, all of us have experienced hurt and disappointment. So, it’s not a question of whether or not we ever have a mental or emotional attack, it’s a question about what we do when it happens.
Much like rest allows the physical body to recover when it’s attacked by an ailment, a relationship respite, every now and again, can help us recover from wounding experiences. To illustrate, think about what happens when we experience symptoms signaling the beginning of a cold. If we immediately up our intake of vitamin C and zinc tabs, drink more liquids and rest, we diminish the length and severity of the cold. We also reduce the opportunity for us to infect others. But, if we don’t take heed, or, even worse, do the opposite by continuing to eat poorly and not getting enough sleep, we are not only heading for a temporary shut down, where we can’t get out of bed and/or move because our system is wore down, we can also make others sick in the process.
The same is true for our emotional health. When you are hurting, it’s best to stop, rest and reflect, so that you can become renewed, refreshed and ready for whatever comes next.
Like what you read? Buy the book here.
Monique Matthews, who has a background in entertainment journalism, once served as a managing editor for a national hip-hop publication and currently earns her stripes as a screenwriter and director, does not have the typical background of one holding discussions about abstinence. She is not unattractive, an ultra conservative, nor does she live a low-key lifestyle. Quite the contrary, as a screenwriter who has written for several movie studios, been selected by Daily Variety as one of their “10 Writers to Watch,” and directed a national awareness commercial that Viacom networks recently donated over a million dollars in advertising time to air, Monique spends her fair share of time enjoying the perks of her high profile career. She’s also guided by a very strong internal compass, which led to her decision of choosing a sex-free lifestyle.
Are you a writer that wants to be considered for the “Weekend Read?” Contact Christelyn at [email protected].
“Author of Swirling. Advocate for black women finding love across color lines. Creator of The Pink Pill.”
It’s a new year and with it, perhaps new incentive to finally pursue what you...
READ MORE
