I have been a shameless soap opera fanatic since junior high school, when my best friend introduced me to the ruling trifecta–All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. During the summers we’d roll out of bed, swim till noon, then watch three hours of big hair, women cooking bacon in evening gowns, and hot white guys. It was then that my obsession with Steve Burton (aka Jason Quartermaine) of the General Hospital Quartermaines began. I especially loved him when I was able to fantasize about what it would be like to boink him when he had a hot interracial relationship thing going on with “Keesha Ward.”

Way to go, Jason and Keesha–No Wedding No Womb! 😉

So naturally I was crushed when I found out he was going to leave the show so he and his family could move to Kentucky or some such nonsense. It took me some time, but I was ready to accept that Jason really died when that hoodlum shot him and he fell off the ledge of Port Charles. But THEN, I’m watching my OTHER favorite soap-star crush, Josh Morrow (aka Nicholas Newman) on Young & The Restless, and low and behold, Jason–er, I mean not-Jason-somebody-else–comes walking on to the stage. First thing I thought was, HOW CAN THIS BE? He lives in Kentucky or some such nonsense!! Come to find out, CBS wants Steve Burton so bad they fly him in from The Sticks to shoot his scenes because the producers at ABC don’t think that two decades of vibrator-worthy performances are worth flying him in for shooting.

WHATEVA! Their loss.

And it looks like my two rape-fantasy men (me doing all the raping, of course) are getting on quite well. Take a look at this hilarious video. I swear, Josh Morrow should be doing prime time comedy–but just as a side job. Nicholas better stay put in Genoa City, dammit!!